First, most guys only think about themselves, but they never really realize it. You have to think about what it is that you want out of him. Is this something that you have told him or hinted at? Guys aren't mind readers and they never pick up on the subtle hints. Guys think basic. They know what they want to do and how to do, but they won't do the things that you would unless you tell them.
There are plenty of things that guys think about, but most women feel that they think about their money, cars, and sex all day long. There are plenty of more things and they do happen to think about the relationship often. You will find that it isn't always about immature topics.
First, guys do think about the relationship and they think about things that you bring to their attention. Things like lies and being dishonest is just as much hated by guys as it is by women. When it comes to relationships, guys are very insecure. They are afraid that you are playing them and that this is all some colossal joke. That's why they think about things that you say or do in the relationship. They stay up thinking up the relationship just as much as you, the only thing is that they don't always verbalize what they are thinking.
They also like to get gifts and attention just like you too. There are some things that both sexes like and attention is just one of those things. When you notice that your boyfriend is getting a little needy, it's just because he wants to keep a little bit more of your attention.
You have to spend time together so that you both can fill the void that is inside. When you spend time together, you are also able to keep the relationship moving forward. Guys always want to spend time with someone; it is very rare that they do not want some type of attention. If you are positive in the relationship then the relationship will stay positive. They like to be romanced to. When you both take the time to do some romancing then your relationship will seem to be a lot stronger.
Another thing that he is thinking is, "Stop trying to change me!" When you get into a relationship, you do not want to step into it thinking that you can change them. You will want to be with them because he is just plainly being himself. They do not want someone to come into the relationship half hearted and want them to give up some of their most favorite things.
They are also worried about how you are going to judge them. They have a lot of insecurities just like you and they are afraid that you are judging them too hard. They are afraid of not being able to meet your expectations. They are thinking that you are putting way too many expectations on them and you are judging them too hard.
Of course, they do think about sex a lot more than women. They think about all aspects of intimacy. They think about the sexual acts, but they also think about the meaning behind things and relationships. They think about things like cuddling, hugging, and as well as the number of indiscretions that they wish they could have. It's not all about sex though; there are some other aspects of intimacy that does cross their mind.
You should not always judge them so quickly. You never know what kind of surprises they are up to. You should not always be so quickly to jump to conclusions because you will end up assuming too much. You should also never assume with men. They have no idea what you want unless you literally spell it out. Tricks and hints do not mean anything to most guys, because they are unable to pick up on them. This is because most men are not aware to their surroundings or the finer details in life.
Most men see things in a bigger picture rather than the small picture that women see. This can be very difficult, but if you learn how to communicate with each other, you'll be able to overcome your issues. It's hard to understand the other sex, but if you can take the time to ask some questions. You'll be able to understand each other with better communication skills. You'll also be able to make your relationship stronger by taking the time to ask him what he has on his mind.
------
Discover what guys SECRETLY WISH you knew about sex, romance, relationship and dating! Do you know that most relationships and marriages CAN be long lasting if only you would understand the man in your life? For a lifetime of bliss and happiness, know what men want today by signing up for your free tips! Read rave reviews from all over the world and more relationship advice, with FREE special reports for your instant downloads!!
Friday, December 23, 2011
What's in a Name? Yuppies, Dinks or Dewks?
Copyright (c) 2008 Wendy Tendys
For some reason or other, we coin generational phrases to put people in their place. Or, is it to define subcultures of certain patterns of behaviour?
Mobileers were a community of early two-way radio users. According to Wikipedia, the Mobileers popularized the technology that birthed the mobile phone.
Permanent installations in vehicles gave way to the portable Bag Phones, equipped with a cigarette lighter plug. You wouldn't recognize the huge clunky piece of equipment these phones were, compared to the dinky pocket size we carry today. But I am getting ahead of myself.
In the early 1960's there was a youth movement that evolved into the Hippies. Again according to Wikipedia, 'Hippies originally were Beatniks', or the black people. These people were black by nature, not by the colour of their skin. Even their clothes were black. They were losers. Their message was, "Danger is fun".
Hippies were a group of people who moved into the Haight-Ashbury San Francisco area. Psychedelic rock, the sexual revolution, cultural diversity and drugs like cannabis and LSD, in order to explore alternative states of consciousness, became the hallmark of the Hippies. Flower Power symbolized their cry of "Make love not war", as they handed out flowers to passersby.
They were the frontier group of the 'Wild West' of our modern culture. Their far reaching effects included health food, music festivals, through contemporary sexual concepts (free love) and the use of drugs.
Many were eco-friendly and the forerunners of the Greeny Movement. They were also pioneers of the cyberspace revolution.
Today every school kid has a mobile phone, though I often wonder who pays the bills. But when mobile phones were relatively unheard of, there rose a group of Male Yuppies - Young Urban Mobile Professionals.
They had a particular stance that went with the title, as did most subgroups. One hand raised to the ear; Their other hand protectively placed on their briefcase; Head cocked to one side; Eyes glazed over as they stared at the distant horizon; A noncommittal grimace on the face.
Of course they were seen to eat at all the Yuppy restaurants and naturally drove a Yuppy car. They were the symbol of all the young affluent professionals of the day. Where are the woman in this equation.
Evolution comes in many forms. However, I wonder if that is always the case. I peresonally believe they were the result of a group of very clever marketing gurus.
Either way, the Yuppy generation took over from the Baby Boomers - suburban, couple of kids, mortgage and the backbone of the community. That is after the Baby Boomers had dried out and come off the Grass, introduced through the Hippy stage.
Let's not knock the Baby Boomers though. The Baby Boomers produced many a Lord Mayor or politician.
Strictly speaking the Baby Boomers may have been too long a period to be classically described as a 'generation'. The baby boom lasted over a post-war period of 18 years.
Why we have to put a name to every generation is totally beyond me? I could never work out just where I belonged, even though I contributed to the Baby Boomer period.
In Russia the Baby Boomers were called the Sputnick Generation, from the Russians race in space. How the two became connected is totally beyond me?
It was the rise of the contraceptive pill that heralded in the end of the Baby Boomer period.
Double Employed With Kids - DEWKS - was the next prominent phase. Have a child, six weeks later dump the baby in the Creche/Child Care Centre and back to competing with your partner as to who brings home the most income.
The Yuppies become Yappies - Frustrated Yuppies having to deal with a couple of screaming kids, now that spanking children (corporal punishment) was being outlawed.
Sadly this was followed by the predictable KOOPF - Kids Of One Parent Families.
Next came the DINKS - Double Income No Kids. It became fashionable not to have kids. Why not, if you could no longer discipline them?
Dinks was more widely used than the usual generational term. There were Gay and Lesbian Dinks and a midget wrestler, Claude Giroux, took the stage name, Dink. The water had become decidedly muddied. No longer could you assume the person was with their husband or wife. It had become 'partner'.
According to some experts, if the trend of Dinks continued, intelligent professionals would become another 'dinosaur'. Extinct, due to the lack of DINKS not having children and reproducing themselves.
However, gays and lesbians, in same sex relationships, also contributed to the downturn in population growth.
Supposedly the DEWKS and DINKS are the privileged ones who have 'Disposable Incomes'. That which the economists say gauges the state of the economy.
Let me ask you this though, does anyone have income that can be 'disposed of', like polystyrene containers, paper tissues and disposable plastic bags? That of course is before bio-degradable became fashionable.
Somewhere in the middle of all this we have the term Nerd. The original stereotypical Nerd was 'white males with glasses and braces', according to Wikipedia. You wouldn't get away with such a term today, in our new found non-gender consciousness.
Nerd, or Nurd, was originally known as 'knurd', which is drunk spelled backwards. A nerd was a person who studied, as opposed to one who partied.
With the maturing advent of Cyber Space, the term Nerd has gained respectability. It is the Nerds of our world who drive Cyber Space.
Charles J. Sykes said, "Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."
Then of course we always have the Trendys, who set the pace for the next generation. The feeding grounds of the latest fashion gurus and their high paid advertising junkies.
So we keep creating new terms, putting each generation into a neat little box. We also like to do the 'crab trick' - don't let anyone get out of the box. Pull them back if it looks like they are escaping.
If you live long enough, chances are you will be around for quite a few of the names, in the cultural evolution. Or is it all plain rebellion to the established mores - status quo?
I want to add one more name to the list. Most of us only dream of being a Wyna. Better than being a Luza. If you have difficulty picking up what I am saying (writing) try speaking those two names out loud.
The world is full of Luzas, but in every generation there is a minority of Wynas, about 2%. Only those who dream big become a Wyna. What did the song say, 'Climb every mountain, ford every stream...'?
Right now there is a generation of people who are chasing after a 'Seachange'. When they go on holiday they yearn for cooling sea breezes. Some coastal communities have been classed officially as a Seachange area.
It was even reported that one such city was attempting to restrict the numbers of visitors that flooded it during holiday periods and stretched the amenities beyond their limit. Will they create a boarder around the city and produce passports? Another Berlin wall?
Wyna says there are children in Vanuatu and other geographically isolated areas, who are financially underpriviledged. Without help they will never have the opportunity to go to high school, because they live in a cashless society.
Together we can help them. We can make them Wynas.
------
YouMe Support Foundation is offering a unique, world first raffle of a South Pacific resort, Seachange Lodge. YouMe Support Foundation, in partnership with winaresort.com, provides non-repayable higher-education grants for geographically isolated and financially underprivileged children. Dr Wendy Stenberg-Tendys P.O. Box 5101, Port Vila, Vanuatu Email: admin@youmesupport.org
For some reason or other, we coin generational phrases to put people in their place. Or, is it to define subcultures of certain patterns of behaviour?
Mobileers were a community of early two-way radio users. According to Wikipedia, the Mobileers popularized the technology that birthed the mobile phone.
Permanent installations in vehicles gave way to the portable Bag Phones, equipped with a cigarette lighter plug. You wouldn't recognize the huge clunky piece of equipment these phones were, compared to the dinky pocket size we carry today. But I am getting ahead of myself.
In the early 1960's there was a youth movement that evolved into the Hippies. Again according to Wikipedia, 'Hippies originally were Beatniks', or the black people. These people were black by nature, not by the colour of their skin. Even their clothes were black. They were losers. Their message was, "Danger is fun".
Hippies were a group of people who moved into the Haight-Ashbury San Francisco area. Psychedelic rock, the sexual revolution, cultural diversity and drugs like cannabis and LSD, in order to explore alternative states of consciousness, became the hallmark of the Hippies. Flower Power symbolized their cry of "Make love not war", as they handed out flowers to passersby.
They were the frontier group of the 'Wild West' of our modern culture. Their far reaching effects included health food, music festivals, through contemporary sexual concepts (free love) and the use of drugs.
Many were eco-friendly and the forerunners of the Greeny Movement. They were also pioneers of the cyberspace revolution.
Today every school kid has a mobile phone, though I often wonder who pays the bills. But when mobile phones were relatively unheard of, there rose a group of Male Yuppies - Young Urban Mobile Professionals.
They had a particular stance that went with the title, as did most subgroups. One hand raised to the ear; Their other hand protectively placed on their briefcase; Head cocked to one side; Eyes glazed over as they stared at the distant horizon; A noncommittal grimace on the face.
Of course they were seen to eat at all the Yuppy restaurants and naturally drove a Yuppy car. They were the symbol of all the young affluent professionals of the day. Where are the woman in this equation.
Evolution comes in many forms. However, I wonder if that is always the case. I peresonally believe they were the result of a group of very clever marketing gurus.
Either way, the Yuppy generation took over from the Baby Boomers - suburban, couple of kids, mortgage and the backbone of the community. That is after the Baby Boomers had dried out and come off the Grass, introduced through the Hippy stage.
Let's not knock the Baby Boomers though. The Baby Boomers produced many a Lord Mayor or politician.
Strictly speaking the Baby Boomers may have been too long a period to be classically described as a 'generation'. The baby boom lasted over a post-war period of 18 years.
Why we have to put a name to every generation is totally beyond me? I could never work out just where I belonged, even though I contributed to the Baby Boomer period.
In Russia the Baby Boomers were called the Sputnick Generation, from the Russians race in space. How the two became connected is totally beyond me?
It was the rise of the contraceptive pill that heralded in the end of the Baby Boomer period.
Double Employed With Kids - DEWKS - was the next prominent phase. Have a child, six weeks later dump the baby in the Creche/Child Care Centre and back to competing with your partner as to who brings home the most income.
The Yuppies become Yappies - Frustrated Yuppies having to deal with a couple of screaming kids, now that spanking children (corporal punishment) was being outlawed.
Sadly this was followed by the predictable KOOPF - Kids Of One Parent Families.
Next came the DINKS - Double Income No Kids. It became fashionable not to have kids. Why not, if you could no longer discipline them?
Dinks was more widely used than the usual generational term. There were Gay and Lesbian Dinks and a midget wrestler, Claude Giroux, took the stage name, Dink. The water had become decidedly muddied. No longer could you assume the person was with their husband or wife. It had become 'partner'.
According to some experts, if the trend of Dinks continued, intelligent professionals would become another 'dinosaur'. Extinct, due to the lack of DINKS not having children and reproducing themselves.
However, gays and lesbians, in same sex relationships, also contributed to the downturn in population growth.
Supposedly the DEWKS and DINKS are the privileged ones who have 'Disposable Incomes'. That which the economists say gauges the state of the economy.
Let me ask you this though, does anyone have income that can be 'disposed of', like polystyrene containers, paper tissues and disposable plastic bags? That of course is before bio-degradable became fashionable.
Somewhere in the middle of all this we have the term Nerd. The original stereotypical Nerd was 'white males with glasses and braces', according to Wikipedia. You wouldn't get away with such a term today, in our new found non-gender consciousness.
Nerd, or Nurd, was originally known as 'knurd', which is drunk spelled backwards. A nerd was a person who studied, as opposed to one who partied.
With the maturing advent of Cyber Space, the term Nerd has gained respectability. It is the Nerds of our world who drive Cyber Space.
Charles J. Sykes said, "Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."
Then of course we always have the Trendys, who set the pace for the next generation. The feeding grounds of the latest fashion gurus and their high paid advertising junkies.
So we keep creating new terms, putting each generation into a neat little box. We also like to do the 'crab trick' - don't let anyone get out of the box. Pull them back if it looks like they are escaping.
If you live long enough, chances are you will be around for quite a few of the names, in the cultural evolution. Or is it all plain rebellion to the established mores - status quo?
I want to add one more name to the list. Most of us only dream of being a Wyna. Better than being a Luza. If you have difficulty picking up what I am saying (writing) try speaking those two names out loud.
The world is full of Luzas, but in every generation there is a minority of Wynas, about 2%. Only those who dream big become a Wyna. What did the song say, 'Climb every mountain, ford every stream...'?
Right now there is a generation of people who are chasing after a 'Seachange'. When they go on holiday they yearn for cooling sea breezes. Some coastal communities have been classed officially as a Seachange area.
It was even reported that one such city was attempting to restrict the numbers of visitors that flooded it during holiday periods and stretched the amenities beyond their limit. Will they create a boarder around the city and produce passports? Another Berlin wall?
Wyna says there are children in Vanuatu and other geographically isolated areas, who are financially underpriviledged. Without help they will never have the opportunity to go to high school, because they live in a cashless society.
Together we can help them. We can make them Wynas.
------
YouMe Support Foundation is offering a unique, world first raffle of a South Pacific resort, Seachange Lodge. YouMe Support Foundation, in partnership with winaresort.com, provides non-repayable higher-education grants for geographically isolated and financially underprivileged children. Dr Wendy Stenberg-Tendys P.O. Box 5101, Port Vila, Vanuatu Email: admin@youmesupport.org
Pathological Narcissism, Group Behaviour, and Terrorism
Pathological Narcissism, Group Behaviour, and TerrorismBy: Sam Vaknin1. What is pathological narcissism?All of us have narcissistic TRAITS. Some of us even develop anarcissistic PERSONALITY. Moreover, narcissism is a SPECTRUM ofbehaviours - from the healthy to the utterly pathological (known asthe Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD).The DSM IV uses this language:"An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour),need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usuallybeginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts."Here are the 9 criteria. Having 5 of these 9 "qualifies" you as anarcissist...Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievementsand talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized assuperior without commensurate achievements)Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome poweror omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist),bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), orideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion Firmly convincedthat he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understoodby, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special orunique, or high-status people (or institutions)Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation -or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious(narcissistic supply).Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourablepriority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with hisor her expectations Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., usesothers to achieve his or her own ends Devoid of empathy. Is unableor unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needsof others Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel thesame about him or her Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudescoupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.The language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from:American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic andstatistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV).Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.Sam Vaknin. (1999, 2001). Malignant Self Love - NarcissismRevisited, second, revised printing Prague and Skopje: NarcissusPublications.("Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html)More Data About Pathological NarcissistsMost narcissists (75%) are men.NPD (=the Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is one of a "family" ofpersonality disorders (formerly known as "Cluster B"). Other members:Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders ("co-morbidity") - or with substance abuse, or impulsive and recklessbehaviours ("dual diagnosis").NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic andStatistics Manual (DSM).There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there ishas not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic,or professional predilection to NPD.It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud.Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon,Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and earlyadolescence.It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted byparents, authority figures, or even peers.There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions - from the mild,reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.Narcissists are either "Cerebral" (derive their narcissistic supplyfrom their intelligence or academic achievements) - or "Somatic"(derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise,physical or sexual prowess and "conquests").Narcissists are either "Classic" - see definition below - or theyare "Compensatory", or "Inverted" - see definitions here: "TheInverted Narcissist".NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioural).The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptationto life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication isapplied to side-effects and behaviours (such as mood or affectdisorders and obsession-compulsion) - usually with some success.2. Human collectives (nations, professions, ethnic groups) andnarcissism - stereotyping or racism?Having lived in 12 countries in 3 continents now, I firmly believein "mass psychopathology", or in ethnopsychology. The members of agroup - if sufficiently cohesive - tend to react similarly tocircumstances.By "cohesive" I mean, if they share the same mental world("Weltanschauung") - possibly the same history, the same language ordialect, the same hopes, folklore, fears, and aspirations ("agenda"),the same enemies and so on.Thus, if recurrently traumatized or abused by external or internalforces, a group of people may develop the mass equivalent ofpathological narcissism as a defence or compensatory mechanism.By "abuse" and "trauma" I mean any event, or series of events, orcircumstances, which threaten the self identity, self image, sense ofself worth, and self esteem of the collective consistently andconstantly - though often arbitrarily and unpredictably. Humancollectives go through formation, individuation, separation - all thephases in individual psychological development. A disturbance in thenatural and unhindered progression of these phases is likely toresult in psychopathology of all the members of the collective.Being subjugated to another nation, being exiled, enduring genocide,being destitute, being defeated in warfare - are all traumaticexperiences with far reaching consequences.The members of the collective form a "condensate" (in physicalterms) - a material in which all the atoms vibrate with the samefrequency. Under normal circumstances, group behaviour resemblesdiffuse light. Subject to trauma and abuse - it forms a malignantlaser - a strong, same wavelength, potentially destructive beam. Thegroup becomes abusive to others, exploitative, detached from reality,bathed in grandiose fantasies, xenophobic, lacking empathy, prone touncontrolled rages, over-sensitive, convinced of its superiority andentitlement. Force and coercion are often required to disabuse sucha group of its delusions.But, this of course, only cements its narcissism and justifies itsdistorted perception of the world.Consider the case of the Jews.The Jews have been subjected to the kind of trauma and abuse Imentioned earlier on an unprecedented and never repeated scale.Their formal scriptures, lore, and ethos are imbued with grandiosefantasies and a towering sense of superiority and "mission". Yet,the inevitable contempt for their inferiors is tampered by the all-pervasive pragmatism the Jews had to develop in order to survive.Narcissists are not pragmatic. They live in a Universe of their ownmaking. They see no need to get along with others. Jews are notlike that. Their creed is a practical survival guide which obligesthem to accommodate others, to empathize with their needs anddesires, to compromise, to admit errors, to share credit, tocollaborate, and so on.Israelis, on the other hand, are "unshackled" Jews. They believethemselves to be the mirror image of the diaspora Jew. They arephysical ("somatic"), strong, productive, independent, in control.They, in short, are less bound by the need to perilously co-existwith baleful, predatory, majorities. They can allow themselves afull, unmitigated, expression of whatever defence mechanisms theyevolved in response to millennia of virulent hatred and murderouspersecutions. Being an Israeli, I gained privileged insight intothis fascinating transformation from tortured slave to vengefulmaster.3. Narcissism and LeadershipAre all politicians narcissists? The answer, surprisingly, is: notuniversally. The preponderance of narcissistic traits andpersonalities in politics is much less than in show business, forinstance. Moreover, while show business is concerned essentially(and almost exclusively) with the securing of narcissistic supply -politics is a much more complex and multi-faceted activity. Rather,it is a spectrum. At the one end, we find the "actors" - politicianswho regard politics as their venue and their conduit, an extendedtheatre with their constituency as an audience. At the otherextreme, we find self-effacing and schizoid (crowd-hating)technocrats. Most politicians are in the middle: somewhat self-enamoured, opportunistic and seeking modest doses of narcissisticsupply - but mostly concerned with perks, self-preservation and theexercise of power.Most narcissists are opportunistic and ruthless operators. But notall opportunistic and ruthless operators are narcissists. I amstrongly opposed to remote diagnosis. I think it is a bad habit,exercised by charlatans and dilettantes (even if their names arefollowed by a Psy.D.). Please do not forget that only a qualifiedmental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffersfrom NPD and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews.IF the politician in question is ALSO a narcissist (=suffers fromNPD), then, yes, he would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to remain inpower, or, while, in power, to secure his narcissistic supply. Acommon error is to think that "narcissistic supply" consists only ofadmiration, adulation and positive feedback. Actually, being feared,or derided is also narcissistic supply. The main element isATTENTION. So, the narcissistic politician cultivates sources ofnarcissistic supply (both primary and secondary) and refrains fromnothing while doing so.Often, politicians are nothing but a loyal reflection of theirmilieu, their culture, their society and their times (zeitgeist andleitkultur).This is the thesis of Daniel Goldhagen in "Hitler's WillingExecutioners".More about Narcissists in positions of authority:http://samvak.tripod.com/faq11.htmlhttp://samvak.tripod.com/msla7.html4. Political and economic circumstances and emerging narcissisticgroup behavioursPathological narcissism is the result of individual upbringing (see:"The Narcissist's Mother" and "Narcissists and Schizoids" ) and, inthis sense, it is universal and cuts across time and space. Yet, thevery process of socialization and education is heavily constrained bythe prevailing culture and influenced by it. Thus, culture, mores,history, myths, ethos, and even government policy (such as the "onechild policy" in China) do create the conditions for pathologies ofthe personality.The ethnopsychologist George Devereux ("Basic Problems ofEthnopsychiatry", University of Chicago Press, 1980) suggested todivide the unconscious into the id (the part that was alwaysinstinctual and unconscious) and the "ethnic unconscious" (repressedmaterial that was once conscious). The latter includes all ourdefence mechanisms and most of the superego. Culture dictates whatis to be repressed. Mental illness is either idiosyncratic (culturaldirectives are not followed and the individual is unique andschizophrenic) - or conformist, abiding by the cultural dictates ofwhat is allowed and disallowed.Our culture, according to Christopher Lasch teaches us to withdrawinto ourselves when we are confronted with stressful situations. Itis a vicious circle. One of the main stressors of modern society isalienation and a pervasive sense of isolation. The solution ourculture offers us - to further withdraw - only exacerbates theproblem.Richard Sennett expounded on this theme in "The Fall of Public Man:On the Social Psychology of Capitalism" (Vintage Books, 1978). Oneof the chapters in Devereux's aforementioned tome isentitled "Schizophrenia:An Ethnic Psychosis, or Schizophrenia without Tears". To him, thewhole USA is afflicted by what came later to be called a "schizoiddisorder".C. Fred Alford (in "Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School, andPsychoanalytic Theory", Yale University Press, 1988) enumerates thesymptoms:"...withdrawal, emotional aloofness, hyporeactivity (emotionalflatness), sex without emotional involvement, segmentation andpartial involvement (lack of interest and commitment to thingsoutside oneself), fixation on oral-stage issues, regression,infantilism and depersonalization. These, of course, are many of thesame designations that Lasch employs to describe the culture ofnarcissism. Thus, it appears, that it is not misleading to equatenarcissism with schizoid disorder." (page 19).Consider the Balkan region, for instance:http://samvak.tripod.com/pp25.htmlhttp://samvak.tripod.com/pp29.html5. Christopher Lasch, American "culture of narcissism" and the longterm effects of the September 11 atrocitiesLasch and his work are increasingly relevant in post SeptemberAmerica.This is partly because the likes of bin Laden hurl at Americaprimitive and coarse versions of Lasch's critique. They accuseAmerica of being a failed civilization, not merely of meddlingignorantly and sacriligeously in the affairs of Islam (and the restof the world). They fervently believe that America exports thiscontagious failure to other cultures and societies (through its
idolatrous mass media and inferior culture industries) andthus "infects" them with the virus of its own terminal decline. Itis important to understand the left wing roots of this cancerousrendition of social criticism.Lasch wrote:"The new narcissist is haunted not by guilt but by anxiety. He seeksnot to inflict his own certainties on others but to find a meaning inlife.Liberated from the superstitions of the past, he doubts even thereality of his own existence. Superficially relaxed and tolerant, hefinds little use for dogmas of racial and ethnic purity but at thesame time forfeits the security of group loyalties and regardseveryone as a rival for the favors conferred by a paternalisticstate. His sexual attitudes are permissive rather than puritanical,even though his emancipation from ancient taboos brings him no sexualpeace. Fiercely competitive in his demand for approval and acclaim,he distrusts competition because he associates it unconsciously withan unbridled urge to destroy. Hence he repudiates the competitiveideologies that flourished at an earlier stage of capitalistdevelopment and distrusts even their limited expression in sports andgames. He extols cooperation and teamwork while harboring deeplyantisocial impulses. He praises respect for rules and regulations inthe secret belief that they do not apply to himself.Acquisitive in the sense that his cravings have no limits, he doesnot accumulate goods and provisions against the future, in the mannerof the acquisitive individualist of nineteenth-century politicaleconomy, but demands immediate gratification and lives in a state ofrestless, perpetually unsatisfied desire."(Christopher Lasch - The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in anage of Diminishing Expectations, 1979)There is no single Lasch. This chronicler of culture, did so mainlyby chronicling his inner turmoil, conflicting ideas and ideologies,emotional upheavals, and intellectual vicissitudes. In this sense,of (courageous) self-documentation, Mr. Lasch epitomized Narcissism,was the quintessential Narcissist, the better positioned to criticizethe phenomenon."Narcissism" is a relatively well-defined psychological term. Iexpound upon it elsewhere ("Malignant self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited"). The Narcissistic Personality Disorder - the acute form ofpathological Narcissism - is the name given to a group of 9 symptoms(see: DSM-4).They include: a grandiose Self (illusions of grandeur coupled with aninflated, unrealistic sense of the Self), inability to empathize withthe Other, the tendency to exploit and manipulate others,idealization of other people (in cycles of idealization anddevaluation), rage attacks and so on. Narcissism, therefore, has aclear clinical definition, etiology and prognosis.The use that Lasch makes of this word has nothing to do with itsusage in psychopathology. True, Lasch did his best tosound "medicinal". He spoke of "(national) malaise" and accused theAmerican society of lack of self-awareness. But choice of words doesnot a coherence make."The Culture of Narcissism - American Life in an Age of DiminishingExpectations" was published in the last year of the unhappypresidency of Jimmy Carter (1979). The latter endorsed the bookpublicly (in his famous "national malaise" speech).The main thesis of the book is that the Americans have created a self-absorbed (though not self aware), greedy and frivolous society whichdepended on consumerism, demographic studies, opinion polls andGovernment to know and to define itself. What is the solution?Lasch proposed a "return to basics": self-reliance, the family,nature, the community, and the Protestant work ethic. To those whoadhere, he promised an elimination of their feelings of alienationand despair.But the clinical term "Narcissism" was abused by Lasch in his books.It joined other words mistreated by this social preacher. Therespect that this man gained in his lifetime (as a social scientistand historian of culture) makes one wonder whether he was right incriticizing the shallowness and lack of intellectual rigor ofAmerican society and of its elites.There is a detailed analysis here, in a reaction I wrote to RogerKimball's "Christopher Lasch vs. the elites"New Criterion", Vol.13, p.9 (04-01-1995):http://samvak.tripod.com/lasch.html6. Are all terrorists and serial killers narcissists?Terrorists can be phenomenologically described as narcissists in aconstant state of deficient narcissistic supply. The "grandiositygap" - the painful and narcissistically injurious gap between theirgrandiose fantasies and their dreary and humiliating reality -becomes emotionally insupportable. They decompensate and act out.They bring "down to their level" (by destroying it) the object oftheir pathological envy, the cause of their seething frustration, thesymbol of their dull achievements, always incommensurate with theirinflated self-image.They seek omnipotence through murder, control (not least self control)through violence, prestige, fame and celebrity by defying figures ofauthorities, challenging them, and humbling them. Unbeknownst tothem, they seek self punishment. They are at heart suicidal. Theyaim to cast themselves as victims by forcing others to punish them.This is called "projective identification". They attribute evil andcorruption to their enemies and foes. These forms of paranoia arecalled projection and splitting. These are all primitive, infantile,and often persecutory, defense mechanisms.When coupled with narcissism - the inability to empathize, theexploitativeness, the sense of entitlement, the rages, thedehumanization and devaluation of others - this mindset yieldsabysmal contempt. The overriding emotion of terrorists and serialkillers, the amalgam and culmination of their tortured psyche - isdeep seated disdain for everything human, the flip side of envy. Itis cognitive dissonance gone amok. On the one hand the terroristderides as "false", "meaningless", "dangerous", and "corrupt" commonvalues, institutions, human intercourse, and society. On the otherhand, he devotes his entire life (and often risks it) to theelimination and pulverization of these "insignificant" entities. Tojustify this apparent contradiction, the terrorists casts himself asan altruistic saviour of a group of people "endangered" by his foes.He is always self-appointed and self-proclaimed, rarely elected. Theserial killer rationalizes and intellectualizes his murderssimilarly, by purporting to "liberate" or "deliver" his victims froma fate worse than death.The global reach, the secrecy, the impotence and growing panic of hisvictims, of the public, and of his pursuers, the damage he wreaks -all serve as external ego functions. The terrorist and serial killerregulate their sense of self esteem and self worth by feedingslavishly on the reactions to their heinous deeds. Their cosmicsignificance is daily enhanced by newspaper headlines, everincreasing bounties, admiring imitators, successful acts ofblackmail, the strength and size of their opponents, and thedevastation of human life and property.Appeasement works only to aggravate their drives and strengthen theirappetites by emboldening them and by raising the threshold ofexcitation and "narcissistic supply". Terrorists and killers areaddicted to this drug of being acknowledged and reflected. Theyderive their sense of existence, parasitically, from the reactions oftheir (often captive)audience.APPENDIX - Responses in a correspondence following the publication ofthis interviewZionism has always regarded itself as both a (19th century) nationalmovement AND a (colonial) civilizing force:See - Herzl's Butlers -http://samvak.tripod.com/pp27.htmlThe Holocaust was a massive trauma NOT because of its dimensions -but because GERMANS, the epitome of Western civilization, have turnedon the Jews, the self-proclaimed missionaries of Western civilizationin the Levant and Arabia. It was the betrayal that mattered.Rejected by East (as colonial stooges) and West (as agents of racialcontamination)alike - the Jews resorted to a series of narcissistic defencesreified by the State of Israel. The long term occupation ofterritories (metaphorical or physical) is a classic narcissistictrait (of "annexation" of the other). The Six Days War was a war ofself defence -but the swift victory only exacerbated the narcissistic defences.Mastery over the Palestinians became an important component in thepsychological makeup of the nation (especially the more rightwing andreligious elements) because it constitutes "Narcissistic Supply".Bin Laden (and by extension Islamic fundamentalism) is thenarcissistic complement of the State of Israel. His narcissisticdefences are fuelled by unrequited humiliation(Millon's "compensatory narcissism"). The humiliation is the outcomeof a grandiosity gap between reality and grandiose fantasies, betweenactual inferiority and a delusional sense of superiority (and cosmicmission), between his sense of entitlement and his incommensurateachievements, skills, and accomplishments.When narcissists are faced with the disintegration of theirnarcissistic "infrastructure" (their False Self) - theydecompensate. I have outlined the possible psychodynamic reactionshere:http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/npd/87772Narcissism is always concommitant with the "civilizing" components ofcolonialism ("White Man's Burden") - though not with the mercantilistelements."Pathological narcissism is a well defined (and phenomenological)mental health theoretical construct. No doubt, narcissists engage inanti-Other discourse and other virulent and pernicious narratives.But the existence of such a discourse is not a DETERMINANT ofpathological narcissism - merely its manifestation.What GIVES RISE to the grandiosity gap IS socio-economic reality.The gap is between the REAL and the IDEAL, between the ACTUAL and the(self-)DELUSIONAL and FANTASIZED. Socio-economic factors breednarcissistic injury and narcissistic rage.=========================================AUTHOR BIO:Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - NarcissismRevisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He is acolumnist for Central Europe Review, United Press International (UPI)and eBookWeb and the editor of mental health and Central East Europecategories in The Open Directory, Suite101 and searcheurope.com.Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Governmentof Macedonia.Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
idolatrous mass media and inferior culture industries) andthus "infects" them with the virus of its own terminal decline. Itis important to understand the left wing roots of this cancerousrendition of social criticism.Lasch wrote:"The new narcissist is haunted not by guilt but by anxiety. He seeksnot to inflict his own certainties on others but to find a meaning inlife.Liberated from the superstitions of the past, he doubts even thereality of his own existence. Superficially relaxed and tolerant, hefinds little use for dogmas of racial and ethnic purity but at thesame time forfeits the security of group loyalties and regardseveryone as a rival for the favors conferred by a paternalisticstate. His sexual attitudes are permissive rather than puritanical,even though his emancipation from ancient taboos brings him no sexualpeace. Fiercely competitive in his demand for approval and acclaim,he distrusts competition because he associates it unconsciously withan unbridled urge to destroy. Hence he repudiates the competitiveideologies that flourished at an earlier stage of capitalistdevelopment and distrusts even their limited expression in sports andgames. He extols cooperation and teamwork while harboring deeplyantisocial impulses. He praises respect for rules and regulations inthe secret belief that they do not apply to himself.Acquisitive in the sense that his cravings have no limits, he doesnot accumulate goods and provisions against the future, in the mannerof the acquisitive individualist of nineteenth-century politicaleconomy, but demands immediate gratification and lives in a state ofrestless, perpetually unsatisfied desire."(Christopher Lasch - The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in anage of Diminishing Expectations, 1979)There is no single Lasch. This chronicler of culture, did so mainlyby chronicling his inner turmoil, conflicting ideas and ideologies,emotional upheavals, and intellectual vicissitudes. In this sense,of (courageous) self-documentation, Mr. Lasch epitomized Narcissism,was the quintessential Narcissist, the better positioned to criticizethe phenomenon."Narcissism" is a relatively well-defined psychological term. Iexpound upon it elsewhere ("Malignant self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited"). The Narcissistic Personality Disorder - the acute form ofpathological Narcissism - is the name given to a group of 9 symptoms(see: DSM-4).They include: a grandiose Self (illusions of grandeur coupled with aninflated, unrealistic sense of the Self), inability to empathize withthe Other, the tendency to exploit and manipulate others,idealization of other people (in cycles of idealization anddevaluation), rage attacks and so on. Narcissism, therefore, has aclear clinical definition, etiology and prognosis.The use that Lasch makes of this word has nothing to do with itsusage in psychopathology. True, Lasch did his best tosound "medicinal". He spoke of "(national) malaise" and accused theAmerican society of lack of self-awareness. But choice of words doesnot a coherence make."The Culture of Narcissism - American Life in an Age of DiminishingExpectations" was published in the last year of the unhappypresidency of Jimmy Carter (1979). The latter endorsed the bookpublicly (in his famous "national malaise" speech).The main thesis of the book is that the Americans have created a self-absorbed (though not self aware), greedy and frivolous society whichdepended on consumerism, demographic studies, opinion polls andGovernment to know and to define itself. What is the solution?Lasch proposed a "return to basics": self-reliance, the family,nature, the community, and the Protestant work ethic. To those whoadhere, he promised an elimination of their feelings of alienationand despair.But the clinical term "Narcissism" was abused by Lasch in his books.It joined other words mistreated by this social preacher. Therespect that this man gained in his lifetime (as a social scientistand historian of culture) makes one wonder whether he was right incriticizing the shallowness and lack of intellectual rigor ofAmerican society and of its elites.There is a detailed analysis here, in a reaction I wrote to RogerKimball's "Christopher Lasch vs. the elites"New Criterion", Vol.13, p.9 (04-01-1995):http://samvak.tripod.com/lasch.html6. Are all terrorists and serial killers narcissists?Terrorists can be phenomenologically described as narcissists in aconstant state of deficient narcissistic supply. The "grandiositygap" - the painful and narcissistically injurious gap between theirgrandiose fantasies and their dreary and humiliating reality -becomes emotionally insupportable. They decompensate and act out.They bring "down to their level" (by destroying it) the object oftheir pathological envy, the cause of their seething frustration, thesymbol of their dull achievements, always incommensurate with theirinflated self-image.They seek omnipotence through murder, control (not least self control)through violence, prestige, fame and celebrity by defying figures ofauthorities, challenging them, and humbling them. Unbeknownst tothem, they seek self punishment. They are at heart suicidal. Theyaim to cast themselves as victims by forcing others to punish them.This is called "projective identification". They attribute evil andcorruption to their enemies and foes. These forms of paranoia arecalled projection and splitting. These are all primitive, infantile,and often persecutory, defense mechanisms.When coupled with narcissism - the inability to empathize, theexploitativeness, the sense of entitlement, the rages, thedehumanization and devaluation of others - this mindset yieldsabysmal contempt. The overriding emotion of terrorists and serialkillers, the amalgam and culmination of their tortured psyche - isdeep seated disdain for everything human, the flip side of envy. Itis cognitive dissonance gone amok. On the one hand the terroristderides as "false", "meaningless", "dangerous", and "corrupt" commonvalues, institutions, human intercourse, and society. On the otherhand, he devotes his entire life (and often risks it) to theelimination and pulverization of these "insignificant" entities. Tojustify this apparent contradiction, the terrorists casts himself asan altruistic saviour of a group of people "endangered" by his foes.He is always self-appointed and self-proclaimed, rarely elected. Theserial killer rationalizes and intellectualizes his murderssimilarly, by purporting to "liberate" or "deliver" his victims froma fate worse than death.The global reach, the secrecy, the impotence and growing panic of hisvictims, of the public, and of his pursuers, the damage he wreaks -all serve as external ego functions. The terrorist and serial killerregulate their sense of self esteem and self worth by feedingslavishly on the reactions to their heinous deeds. Their cosmicsignificance is daily enhanced by newspaper headlines, everincreasing bounties, admiring imitators, successful acts ofblackmail, the strength and size of their opponents, and thedevastation of human life and property.Appeasement works only to aggravate their drives and strengthen theirappetites by emboldening them and by raising the threshold ofexcitation and "narcissistic supply". Terrorists and killers areaddicted to this drug of being acknowledged and reflected. Theyderive their sense of existence, parasitically, from the reactions oftheir (often captive)audience.APPENDIX - Responses in a correspondence following the publication ofthis interviewZionism has always regarded itself as both a (19th century) nationalmovement AND a (colonial) civilizing force:See - Herzl's Butlers -http://samvak.tripod.com/pp27.htmlThe Holocaust was a massive trauma NOT because of its dimensions -but because GERMANS, the epitome of Western civilization, have turnedon the Jews, the self-proclaimed missionaries of Western civilizationin the Levant and Arabia. It was the betrayal that mattered.Rejected by East (as colonial stooges) and West (as agents of racialcontamination)alike - the Jews resorted to a series of narcissistic defencesreified by the State of Israel. The long term occupation ofterritories (metaphorical or physical) is a classic narcissistictrait (of "annexation" of the other). The Six Days War was a war ofself defence -but the swift victory only exacerbated the narcissistic defences.Mastery over the Palestinians became an important component in thepsychological makeup of the nation (especially the more rightwing andreligious elements) because it constitutes "Narcissistic Supply".Bin Laden (and by extension Islamic fundamentalism) is thenarcissistic complement of the State of Israel. His narcissisticdefences are fuelled by unrequited humiliation(Millon's "compensatory narcissism"). The humiliation is the outcomeof a grandiosity gap between reality and grandiose fantasies, betweenactual inferiority and a delusional sense of superiority (and cosmicmission), between his sense of entitlement and his incommensurateachievements, skills, and accomplishments.When narcissists are faced with the disintegration of theirnarcissistic "infrastructure" (their False Self) - theydecompensate. I have outlined the possible psychodynamic reactionshere:http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/npd/87772Narcissism is always concommitant with the "civilizing" components ofcolonialism ("White Man's Burden") - though not with the mercantilistelements."Pathological narcissism is a well defined (and phenomenological)mental health theoretical construct. No doubt, narcissists engage inanti-Other discourse and other virulent and pernicious narratives.But the existence of such a discourse is not a DETERMINANT ofpathological narcissism - merely its manifestation.What GIVES RISE to the grandiosity gap IS socio-economic reality.The gap is between the REAL and the IDEAL, between the ACTUAL and the(self-)DELUSIONAL and FANTASIZED. Socio-economic factors breednarcissistic injury and narcissistic rage.=========================================AUTHOR BIO:Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - NarcissismRevisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He is acolumnist for Central Europe Review, United Press International (UPI)and eBookWeb and the editor of mental health and Central East Europecategories in The Open Directory, Suite101 and searcheurope.com.Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Governmentof Macedonia.Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
The 5 Best Tips To Know Your Partner Better
You maybe in a relationships right now, or still single but have a potential guy in mind; there are days when our loved ones just seem distant or drift away from us. This "drift" happens to all couples and even people dating who have been seeing each other for a while. Sometimes, we just keep guessing or sometimes ask: "Who is this guy?"; now that could pose as a potential problem for you.
Here are 5 tips to help you to get to know and reconnect with your partner better:
1. Share memories from your past. Sharing memories is a good way to spend time together with your guy and at the same time a great way to bond! Unfortunately though, some couples just don't do this. To make it more interesting, instead of just looking at pictures then you could play a game. Using small pieces of paper both of you will write down your dreams, memories from when you had your first memory until the present day. It could be your best, worst, most embarrassing memories. When you have done so, place all of them in a container or hat then take turns drawing out from the hat. You'll be surprised to find out, maybe at one point you have shared a similar memory. By doing this simple game you will feel more closer to your partner.
2. Go on a sex fasting. Meaning abstinence for a short while or until both of you can hold it in. While sex is one of the greatest things to bring a couple together, doing non-sexual things ca be too. The reason for this "sex fast" is that both of you can discover what your relationship is even without physical intimacy, now you can simply focus on your emotional aspects. You'll be able to tell if there's a difference on whether if your relationship would still go strong even with the absence of sex, you'll be able to see it in a short while. On the other hand, having a "sex fast" doesn't mean that you can't have fun- try to be creative.
3. Play a trivia game about yourselves. This is another fun way to find out more about your guy. On pieces of paper each of you need to write down 25 questions about yourselves. The topic could be anything, from your favorite food, to your pet peeve, blood type, where you went to college, anything that you think your partner already knows about you. Play the game by taking turns asking questions , you can use any fun currency that you desire; candy, cash, etc. The one with the most correct answers wins- and is off the hook from dish washing duties for a week.
4. Take up an interest or hobby together. Both of you can find a new hobby that neither has explored but share the same interest. This could be a pottery class, cooking class, a new sport, exploring and trekking, etc. Sharing a new experience together lets you see your partner in a different angle, and is a refreshing way to give both of you a boost.
5. Engage in each other's passions. Relationships sprout from friendship, and friendship mostly relies on the commonalities. While it is good that each of you have your own independent pursuits, it's also healthy if you be interested in your partner's interests and passions as well. Take time to know more about your guy's favorite pastimes; either golf, football, wine, etc. so both of you can at least connect with each other on these topics and he'd feel more comfortable sharing his love with you rather than get all those blank trivial stares when you can't seem to understand what he's talking about.
Spend time together and nurture your friendship, focus on all the positive aspects and continue nurturing each other- and even knowing and uncovering yourself more with the help of your partner. If you think you don't know your partner well enough, then be honest about yourself. Sometimes some characteristics, traits or attitudes come out when people start to feel comfortable in a relationship or with someone they really like. So for you to stop guessing about your partner, it's time to take this issue head-on.
------
Find someone to share your passions with! Find your best potential matches on the net right now and know them more today. Be in the best Online Dating Service for singles on the web. Get ready to chat, meet and date at => http://www.SinglesCrowd.com
Here are 5 tips to help you to get to know and reconnect with your partner better:
1. Share memories from your past. Sharing memories is a good way to spend time together with your guy and at the same time a great way to bond! Unfortunately though, some couples just don't do this. To make it more interesting, instead of just looking at pictures then you could play a game. Using small pieces of paper both of you will write down your dreams, memories from when you had your first memory until the present day. It could be your best, worst, most embarrassing memories. When you have done so, place all of them in a container or hat then take turns drawing out from the hat. You'll be surprised to find out, maybe at one point you have shared a similar memory. By doing this simple game you will feel more closer to your partner.
2. Go on a sex fasting. Meaning abstinence for a short while or until both of you can hold it in. While sex is one of the greatest things to bring a couple together, doing non-sexual things ca be too. The reason for this "sex fast" is that both of you can discover what your relationship is even without physical intimacy, now you can simply focus on your emotional aspects. You'll be able to tell if there's a difference on whether if your relationship would still go strong even with the absence of sex, you'll be able to see it in a short while. On the other hand, having a "sex fast" doesn't mean that you can't have fun- try to be creative.
3. Play a trivia game about yourselves. This is another fun way to find out more about your guy. On pieces of paper each of you need to write down 25 questions about yourselves. The topic could be anything, from your favorite food, to your pet peeve, blood type, where you went to college, anything that you think your partner already knows about you. Play the game by taking turns asking questions , you can use any fun currency that you desire; candy, cash, etc. The one with the most correct answers wins- and is off the hook from dish washing duties for a week.
4. Take up an interest or hobby together. Both of you can find a new hobby that neither has explored but share the same interest. This could be a pottery class, cooking class, a new sport, exploring and trekking, etc. Sharing a new experience together lets you see your partner in a different angle, and is a refreshing way to give both of you a boost.
5. Engage in each other's passions. Relationships sprout from friendship, and friendship mostly relies on the commonalities. While it is good that each of you have your own independent pursuits, it's also healthy if you be interested in your partner's interests and passions as well. Take time to know more about your guy's favorite pastimes; either golf, football, wine, etc. so both of you can at least connect with each other on these topics and he'd feel more comfortable sharing his love with you rather than get all those blank trivial stares when you can't seem to understand what he's talking about.
Spend time together and nurture your friendship, focus on all the positive aspects and continue nurturing each other- and even knowing and uncovering yourself more with the help of your partner. If you think you don't know your partner well enough, then be honest about yourself. Sometimes some characteristics, traits or attitudes come out when people start to feel comfortable in a relationship or with someone they really like. So for you to stop guessing about your partner, it's time to take this issue head-on.
------
Find someone to share your passions with! Find your best potential matches on the net right now and know them more today. Be in the best Online Dating Service for singles on the web. Get ready to chat, meet and date at => http://www.SinglesCrowd.com
What can you do when you feel lonely in your relationship?
When we think of lonely people, we usually imagine single people sitting by themselves. Would it surprise you if you heard that many lonely people are in long-term relationships and yet are very, very unhappy? Let us look at some of the reasons why people may be lonely in relationships
People who were once in love and crazy about each other may grow old and bored with each other. Life has a way of changing us so that things we loved to do once may bore us as we grow older. What if the people we live with grow away from us emotionally?
There are many other reasons why we may feel alienated from people in our own household. Addictions, Adultery, Abuse, etc are some of the reasons why people remain private in their misery. Taking care of a baby, or an ailing relative, sick children, etc can also drive one to desperation.
Some people remain in dysfunctional marriages because of cultural pressures, religious, economical or ethical reasons or other reasons such as fear of change or fear of living independently.
The aftermath of such devastating relationships where love is absent is that the two people involved live like strangers in their own home. Also, as children are like sponges, they absorb all the negativity and silent rage and continue the cycle of self-loathing and passivity in their own relationships.
Lack of appreciation is the number one reason why people dissolve their marriages. Each day is offered to us anew to make up for our mistakes or shortcomings. Boredom is most often seen in marriages or relationships where people take each other for granted
For example, the husband may lose interest and let himself gain weight and soon the wife is not attracted to him and looks elsewhere for attention. If they had talked about it when the problem was in its early stages and decided to work through it, they could have stayed together happily for a long time!
If both partners find completely new interests and do not have time to share with each other, relationships will not continue to flourish as before. Although it is normal for men and women to have differing interests, it is also possible to find activities to do that can be enjoyed by both the partners.
Many of us fall in love and get married. After the first few years, we get busy with raising our children. As children grow up, we are caught up with their school, extra-curricular activities, check-ups, birthday parties, etc. Sometimes we lose our previous friendships and bonds while we get immersed in parenthood
Parents learn to play many roles while raising children. They become teachers, therapists, nurses, doctors, nutritionists, seamstresses, crafts people, etc. during the decades they raise children. When the children are ready to leave home, parents find that they are at a loss as to what they do with their time. This can become a devastating condition called 'Empty Nest syndrome'.
Sexual Frustration
Lonely mums (with husbands still around), people trapped in lonely marriages, those who have lost passion in existing relationships, etc. live each day without the ability to connect with each other.
Some people, even though they are married, try to find 'potential mates' on dating sites. An internet search wouldn't do any harm, they think. The search may not be the problem; the situation is the problem!
When a couple has been married for over a couple of decades, boredom can set in. Familiarity breeds contempt and loathing if our emotions are not properly re-programmed. Most people know that long lasting, happy marriages are a rarity now-a-days. It is very important that those who are in relationships need to work out their frustration and connect with their partners to have a successful sexual and emotional rapport.
The internet is beset with frustrating experiences of sexual perversion, scams, spam and hoaxes. The paradox of the internet is that as the world is getting more connected, people are also getting more and more isolated. One can live in one state and work in another state or part of the world. Business travel has increased exponentially and many families are alienated by physical and emotional distances. This separates couples and leads to sexual frustration and loneliness
The intense longing for sexual satisfaction in lonely women (widows, nuns, etc.) agitates the mind, causes mystery illnesses and may finally lead to loneliness and depression. Chinese medicine believes that the exchange of sexual energy (Yin and Yang) is responsible for the overall health of human beings.
Despite the gender stereotypes, it is not always men who want sex and women who don't. There are women whose libido is higher than their partner's. Older women who have completed their responsibilities and are now ready for a wild and carefree time, may find their enthusiasm come to a screeching halt because their partner has no interest in enjoying sex.
Whichever gender, sexual frustration is happening to; this situation is painful and extremely exasperating. Connecting to each other through gentle discussions and loving approaches may work for partners
Communication
Communciation is the key to bringing your relationship back to life! And by communication I don't mean talking only, but also sharing experiences together and finding that connection again that seemed to have been lost for such a long time.
If you feel that your partner is not opening up or discussing his/her problems with you, it may be helpful to see a therapist or counselor. If both partners wish to have a good relationship, this is a wonderful way to get another person to mediate. Both partners should be willing to give and take as well as communicate their thoughts and worries as much as they can.
If you are in a strained relationship and feel alienated from someone who was very close you of if you just want to spice up your existing relationship, you can try doing activities together. The purpose of these activities is to find that connection again. It is preferable to do activities that both of you enjoy doing, but it also helps just to be supportive in your partner's interest by joining for an activity that is your partner's passion.
Most relationships change with time. The only way to keep our friendships flourishing is to keep a constant dialogue between us about our feelings and our expectations of the relationship. As we grow older, our interests change. People need to constantly find new networks for hobbies and other interests where they can get involved, test the waters and re-assess their likes and dislikes once in a while. This is very important to keep learning and to cherish one's own uniqueness in life. If you want to learn more about how you can cope with loneliness, you can download the e-book from my website.
--
This article has been written by Sommer Watts, Qualified Practitioner in Naturopathy, Nutrition, Herbal Medicine and Counseling. She runs a busy practice in Brisbane, Australia and is the author of the book 'Overcoming Loneliness'- based on her experience of people she treats suffering from loneliness and depression. The book can be downloaded from www.OvercomeLoneliness.com
People who were once in love and crazy about each other may grow old and bored with each other. Life has a way of changing us so that things we loved to do once may bore us as we grow older. What if the people we live with grow away from us emotionally?
There are many other reasons why we may feel alienated from people in our own household. Addictions, Adultery, Abuse, etc are some of the reasons why people remain private in their misery. Taking care of a baby, or an ailing relative, sick children, etc can also drive one to desperation.
Some people remain in dysfunctional marriages because of cultural pressures, religious, economical or ethical reasons or other reasons such as fear of change or fear of living independently.
The aftermath of such devastating relationships where love is absent is that the two people involved live like strangers in their own home. Also, as children are like sponges, they absorb all the negativity and silent rage and continue the cycle of self-loathing and passivity in their own relationships.
Lack of appreciation is the number one reason why people dissolve their marriages. Each day is offered to us anew to make up for our mistakes or shortcomings. Boredom is most often seen in marriages or relationships where people take each other for granted
For example, the husband may lose interest and let himself gain weight and soon the wife is not attracted to him and looks elsewhere for attention. If they had talked about it when the problem was in its early stages and decided to work through it, they could have stayed together happily for a long time!
If both partners find completely new interests and do not have time to share with each other, relationships will not continue to flourish as before. Although it is normal for men and women to have differing interests, it is also possible to find activities to do that can be enjoyed by both the partners.
Many of us fall in love and get married. After the first few years, we get busy with raising our children. As children grow up, we are caught up with their school, extra-curricular activities, check-ups, birthday parties, etc. Sometimes we lose our previous friendships and bonds while we get immersed in parenthood
Parents learn to play many roles while raising children. They become teachers, therapists, nurses, doctors, nutritionists, seamstresses, crafts people, etc. during the decades they raise children. When the children are ready to leave home, parents find that they are at a loss as to what they do with their time. This can become a devastating condition called 'Empty Nest syndrome'.
Sexual Frustration
Lonely mums (with husbands still around), people trapped in lonely marriages, those who have lost passion in existing relationships, etc. live each day without the ability to connect with each other.
Some people, even though they are married, try to find 'potential mates' on dating sites. An internet search wouldn't do any harm, they think. The search may not be the problem; the situation is the problem!
When a couple has been married for over a couple of decades, boredom can set in. Familiarity breeds contempt and loathing if our emotions are not properly re-programmed. Most people know that long lasting, happy marriages are a rarity now-a-days. It is very important that those who are in relationships need to work out their frustration and connect with their partners to have a successful sexual and emotional rapport.
The internet is beset with frustrating experiences of sexual perversion, scams, spam and hoaxes. The paradox of the internet is that as the world is getting more connected, people are also getting more and more isolated. One can live in one state and work in another state or part of the world. Business travel has increased exponentially and many families are alienated by physical and emotional distances. This separates couples and leads to sexual frustration and loneliness
The intense longing for sexual satisfaction in lonely women (widows, nuns, etc.) agitates the mind, causes mystery illnesses and may finally lead to loneliness and depression. Chinese medicine believes that the exchange of sexual energy (Yin and Yang) is responsible for the overall health of human beings.
Despite the gender stereotypes, it is not always men who want sex and women who don't. There are women whose libido is higher than their partner's. Older women who have completed their responsibilities and are now ready for a wild and carefree time, may find their enthusiasm come to a screeching halt because their partner has no interest in enjoying sex.
Whichever gender, sexual frustration is happening to; this situation is painful and extremely exasperating. Connecting to each other through gentle discussions and loving approaches may work for partners
Communication
Communciation is the key to bringing your relationship back to life! And by communication I don't mean talking only, but also sharing experiences together and finding that connection again that seemed to have been lost for such a long time.
If you feel that your partner is not opening up or discussing his/her problems with you, it may be helpful to see a therapist or counselor. If both partners wish to have a good relationship, this is a wonderful way to get another person to mediate. Both partners should be willing to give and take as well as communicate their thoughts and worries as much as they can.
If you are in a strained relationship and feel alienated from someone who was very close you of if you just want to spice up your existing relationship, you can try doing activities together. The purpose of these activities is to find that connection again. It is preferable to do activities that both of you enjoy doing, but it also helps just to be supportive in your partner's interest by joining for an activity that is your partner's passion.
Most relationships change with time. The only way to keep our friendships flourishing is to keep a constant dialogue between us about our feelings and our expectations of the relationship. As we grow older, our interests change. People need to constantly find new networks for hobbies and other interests where they can get involved, test the waters and re-assess their likes and dislikes once in a while. This is very important to keep learning and to cherish one's own uniqueness in life. If you want to learn more about how you can cope with loneliness, you can download the e-book from my website.
--
This article has been written by Sommer Watts, Qualified Practitioner in Naturopathy, Nutrition, Herbal Medicine and Counseling. She runs a busy practice in Brisbane, Australia and is the author of the book 'Overcoming Loneliness'- based on her experience of people she treats suffering from loneliness and depression. The book can be downloaded from www.OvercomeLoneliness.com
The 7 Secrets of Love that I Learned from Homer Simpson
Experts have said that television has a strong power to shape our culture. If this is true then I feel confident in my own upbringing. While many of my friends were watching Lassie reruns, I was soaking in the knowledge of 90's prime time television on Fox. Who better to have as a role model than Al Bundy and Homer Simpson?
As I reflect on my life, I think about how thankful I am to grow up in a world that has brought me the profound philosophy of the yellow cartoon who single-handedly brought millions of smiles to the likes of Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts. Could you imagine a world without the Jelly-filled donut?
Move over Beaver. I'm leaving it to the true role model - Homer Simpson.
Now, there is something specifically unique about Homer Simpson that we can truly learn from. He is good with the ladies. You must look deeply into his actions to see his innate draw that he has over females, but you may learn his deepest secrets once you put in the time to study the couch sitting prophet of love as I have.
Homer Simpsons Top Secrets of Love
"You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons."
1. You Must Take the Time to Learn and Appreciate What Makes Each Other Happy.
It has taken a long time, but I have learned that relationships aren't about supplying my own needs. They provide the most amazing experiences when you learn what brings the most joy to your partner (Crazy, right?). You need to take the time to study your partner throughout their day. Listen to them and find out what makes them smile and find creative ways to do the same for them.
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."
2. Love Requires Understanding One Another.
Here is an incredibly radical thought - not everyone thinks like me. We all have our own way of doing things. I define organization as everything on the floor for quick and easy access. My future girlfriend might not define it the same way. Take the time to ask questions and understand the details of your partner's actions. You might be surprised by the blessings they can teach you.
"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."
3. Love Will Thrive When You Learn to Balance Your Responsibilities.
Do you have a tendency to lose track of time at work and neglect the ones you love? I know that I am not the only one who enjoyed Vanilla Coke and I am not the only who neglects whats important just to put in a little more of work. This is crazy. Work will never go away. It is that annoying kid from high school who never understood the concept of personal space. We need to prioritize our time and learn how to clock out so that we can focus our time on our partner who needs us.
"Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!"
4. Shower Your Partner With Surprises and Special Gifts.
When is the last time your brought the special one in your life a surprise gift? Life is full of monotonous and automatic actions. If we aren't careful, we can go through entire weeks and months without even experiencing anything significant. Your partner deserves more than this. Give them something special.
"Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be baking?"
5. Share Your Dreams and Hobbies With Your Partner.
Don't be afraid to share you dreams with your partner. We all have outlandish ideals and visions for our lives and we all have crazy hobbies that we don't think anyone would understand. I enjoy studying goofy cartoon characters to find some philosophical meaning. I doubt it gets any more odd than this. Your partner is on your team and this includes your crazy dreams. Let him or her help you in carving a life that reaches into your imagination.
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen."
6. Listen More Than You Talk.
This point makes me a hypocrite. I enjoy hearing myself. Even when it seems that I am listening mode, I am actually showing Jay Leno how to actually perform a successful stand-up act in my head.
This is why I am single.
Take the time and listen to what your partner is saying. I am not talking about merely hearing the words, but listening to the heart. Psychologists have said that nonverbal communication is the most important type of communication. We all express our emotions and desires even if we don't take the time to verbalize them. Remove the noise in your life and listen to the things your partner isn't saying.
"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation."
7. Remember to Appreciate the Little Things.
Take a moment this evening when you go home and look at your partner as if it was the first time that you saw them. Watch him or her and relearn everything that made them special to you. Forget about the silly things that bother you. Notice all of the little things that they do for you and your relationship.
------
Stephen Miracle is a relationship expert and leading writer for cuplinx.com, where we help couples keep their relationships fun, passionate and exciting. To discover how you can turn any dinner date into a hot date, read this free report at Top 10 Hot Dinner Dates
Follow Stephen and other relationship experts at The Cuplinx Blog
As I reflect on my life, I think about how thankful I am to grow up in a world that has brought me the profound philosophy of the yellow cartoon who single-handedly brought millions of smiles to the likes of Krispy Kreme and Dunkin Donuts. Could you imagine a world without the Jelly-filled donut?
Move over Beaver. I'm leaving it to the true role model - Homer Simpson.
Now, there is something specifically unique about Homer Simpson that we can truly learn from. He is good with the ladies. You must look deeply into his actions to see his innate draw that he has over females, but you may learn his deepest secrets once you put in the time to study the couch sitting prophet of love as I have.
Homer Simpsons Top Secrets of Love
"You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons."
1. You Must Take the Time to Learn and Appreciate What Makes Each Other Happy.
It has taken a long time, but I have learned that relationships aren't about supplying my own needs. They provide the most amazing experiences when you learn what brings the most joy to your partner (Crazy, right?). You need to take the time to study your partner throughout their day. Listen to them and find out what makes them smile and find creative ways to do the same for them.
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."
2. Love Requires Understanding One Another.
Here is an incredibly radical thought - not everyone thinks like me. We all have our own way of doing things. I define organization as everything on the floor for quick and easy access. My future girlfriend might not define it the same way. Take the time to ask questions and understand the details of your partner's actions. You might be surprised by the blessings they can teach you.
"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."
3. Love Will Thrive When You Learn to Balance Your Responsibilities.
Do you have a tendency to lose track of time at work and neglect the ones you love? I know that I am not the only one who enjoyed Vanilla Coke and I am not the only who neglects whats important just to put in a little more of work. This is crazy. Work will never go away. It is that annoying kid from high school who never understood the concept of personal space. We need to prioritize our time and learn how to clock out so that we can focus our time on our partner who needs us.
"Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!"
4. Shower Your Partner With Surprises and Special Gifts.
When is the last time your brought the special one in your life a surprise gift? Life is full of monotonous and automatic actions. If we aren't careful, we can go through entire weeks and months without even experiencing anything significant. Your partner deserves more than this. Give them something special.
"Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be baking?"
5. Share Your Dreams and Hobbies With Your Partner.
Don't be afraid to share you dreams with your partner. We all have outlandish ideals and visions for our lives and we all have crazy hobbies that we don't think anyone would understand. I enjoy studying goofy cartoon characters to find some philosophical meaning. I doubt it gets any more odd than this. Your partner is on your team and this includes your crazy dreams. Let him or her help you in carving a life that reaches into your imagination.
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen."
6. Listen More Than You Talk.
This point makes me a hypocrite. I enjoy hearing myself. Even when it seems that I am listening mode, I am actually showing Jay Leno how to actually perform a successful stand-up act in my head.
This is why I am single.
Take the time and listen to what your partner is saying. I am not talking about merely hearing the words, but listening to the heart. Psychologists have said that nonverbal communication is the most important type of communication. We all express our emotions and desires even if we don't take the time to verbalize them. Remove the noise in your life and listen to the things your partner isn't saying.
"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation."
7. Remember to Appreciate the Little Things.
Take a moment this evening when you go home and look at your partner as if it was the first time that you saw them. Watch him or her and relearn everything that made them special to you. Forget about the silly things that bother you. Notice all of the little things that they do for you and your relationship.
------
Stephen Miracle is a relationship expert and leading writer for cuplinx.com, where we help couples keep their relationships fun, passionate and exciting. To discover how you can turn any dinner date into a hot date, read this free report at Top 10 Hot Dinner Dates
Follow Stephen and other relationship experts at The Cuplinx Blog
Friday, December 16, 2011
best free anti-virus program & free anti virus software download & anti virus software
There are several types of antivirus software available in the market and you need to choose the most reliable one for your system. If your computer is infected with unknown types of malicious spyware programs then you need the tools which can easily detect these malicious programs on your system. Most of the times, your already installed software can not detect these programs. That is why you need to scan your system with other freely available reliable antivirus programs.
The following are some of the most popular free antivirus programs which you can download from the internet and test your system for any potential viruses quickly.
1) Free Bitdefender antivirus tool: Bitdefender program provides free online scanning utility which you can download on your system without any out of pocket expense. If you have an already installed antivirus program then Bitdefender can work along with it without any issues. It is also compatible with almost all popular Windows versions like Windows 2000, XP, Vista, etc. and easily works with different versions of web browsers like Internet Explorer and Firefox, etc.
2) Free McAfee scanning utility: McAfee provides a very reliable free scanning tool which you can utilize to scan and check the amount of virus infection happened to your system. It can not remove your viruses but gives you a list of possible infections and also provides you the best resources to remove those viruses from your machine.
3) AVG free antivirus program: AVG is another very reliable option to safely scan and remove your virus, malware and spyware from your computer. AVG provides you two versions. One is free and another is a paid version. Free version is sufficient to protect your computer from primary infections and malware attacks. If you want an advanced protection then go for paid version. If you do not want to spend any money then AVG is still a very reliable free virus scan and removal tool on the internet.
Let's be clear on something, yes some bad people on the internet do release malicious software under the disguise of free antivirus programs in an effort to corrupt your computer and maybe even worse. The same can also be said of any other computer program, bad guys do the same thing to recipe programs, weight-loss tracking programs and any other kind of software on the internet. So what is a person to do, how can I find the real stuff? One answer is to stick with well-known products from the manufacturer or some other TRUSTED websites that link to the manufacturers, like mine below.
First, it works seamlessly with all forms of Windows, including XP, Vista and Windows 7, meaning that Norton is compatible with whichever PC operating system you own. Next, Norton is reasonably priced. While there are several free virus protection software programs available to download through the internet, none of them provide all the features offered by Norton. From AVG to McAfee, Norton was heads and shoulders above the competition. With everything from cybercriminal protection to fixing and removing viruses, Norton has it all.
Sometimes, you cannot help getting sick. No amount of pills, vitamins, and steady diet will always ensure you from never catching influenza, fever, or the common cold. But on the bright side, with your preventive action like taking prescription amounts of Vitamin C, good sleeping habits, you are well on your way to a good and possibly almost sick-free life.
Then I strongly recommend you to check out the following website for more advanced free virus scan and removal utilities available on the internet click here.
or click here to Save $17.00 click here.
The following are some of the most popular free antivirus programs which you can download from the internet and test your system for any potential viruses quickly.
1) Free Bitdefender antivirus tool: Bitdefender program provides free online scanning utility which you can download on your system without any out of pocket expense. If you have an already installed antivirus program then Bitdefender can work along with it without any issues. It is also compatible with almost all popular Windows versions like Windows 2000, XP, Vista, etc. and easily works with different versions of web browsers like Internet Explorer and Firefox, etc.
2) Free McAfee scanning utility: McAfee provides a very reliable free scanning tool which you can utilize to scan and check the amount of virus infection happened to your system. It can not remove your viruses but gives you a list of possible infections and also provides you the best resources to remove those viruses from your machine.
3) AVG free antivirus program: AVG is another very reliable option to safely scan and remove your virus, malware and spyware from your computer. AVG provides you two versions. One is free and another is a paid version. Free version is sufficient to protect your computer from primary infections and malware attacks. If you want an advanced protection then go for paid version. If you do not want to spend any money then AVG is still a very reliable free virus scan and removal tool on the internet.
Let's be clear on something, yes some bad people on the internet do release malicious software under the disguise of free antivirus programs in an effort to corrupt your computer and maybe even worse. The same can also be said of any other computer program, bad guys do the same thing to recipe programs, weight-loss tracking programs and any other kind of software on the internet. So what is a person to do, how can I find the real stuff? One answer is to stick with well-known products from the manufacturer or some other TRUSTED websites that link to the manufacturers, like mine below.
First, it works seamlessly with all forms of Windows, including XP, Vista and Windows 7, meaning that Norton is compatible with whichever PC operating system you own. Next, Norton is reasonably priced. While there are several free virus protection software programs available to download through the internet, none of them provide all the features offered by Norton. From AVG to McAfee, Norton was heads and shoulders above the competition. With everything from cybercriminal protection to fixing and removing viruses, Norton has it all.
Sometimes, you cannot help getting sick. No amount of pills, vitamins, and steady diet will always ensure you from never catching influenza, fever, or the common cold. But on the bright side, with your preventive action like taking prescription amounts of Vitamin C, good sleeping habits, you are well on your way to a good and possibly almost sick-free life.
Then I strongly recommend you to check out the following website for more advanced free virus scan and removal utilities available on the internet click here.
or click here to Save $17.00 click here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
